Catwoman – Scratch that. Batman Returns

Catwoman. It was so bad even the opening credits were bad. Clichéd ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics inter-cut with cats. Then the worst thing was that the word Egypt kept appearing over and over again. After that we see Catwoman, although she isn’t called Selina Kyle, floating in water like Jason Bourne. She gives some trite narration then we are flung back in time to where nothing interesting is happening.

Behold the set of Ugly Betty. It’s a fashion/modelling/make-up company where the old is out and the new is in. The old blonde lady is pissed off, the smug manager guy doesn’t care and the pretty new model will probably die.

Then the cat-poster is seen out on a window ledge, ripping on Neo in the original Matrix, trying to save a cat. A hunky cop saves her. The same cop then starts stalking her. After watching this much I could see how the whole thing would play out and gave up. I put on my copy of Batman Returns to try and cleanse the horror from my eyes.


I first saw Batman (the film) when I was two years old. Ever since I have been in love with the Dark Knight. I was lucky enough to be born at just the right time in Batman history. I was exposed early on in my development to Burton’s Batman, which may explain a few of my quirks. Then when I was seven I was just the right age to enjoy Jim Carrey in Batman Forever. By the time Batman Begins came out I was 17 and poised for a more mature Batman tale.

As you’d expect, Batman Returns drips with Tim Burton’s gothic stylings. It’s also full of sex. I’m not just talking about Michelle Pfeiffer (the real Catwoman). The Penguin (Danny DeVito with a fantastic fake nose and flippers) is a sex pest on a par with Russell Brand or my mate Rory. He makes a lot of advances at Catwoman and every other women he comes across. It’s a bit weird.

The other thing I noticed is Batman killing people. Not real people, but goons. He does it in the first Batman film too. This is very out of character for the Dark Knight. He’s always throwing around high explosives and blowing the bad guys to bits. Then he has a go at Catwoman for wanting to kill Max Shreck, who by this stage has killed her six times. What a numpty.

Catwoman is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. Every existing copy of it should be dumped in a vast and fiery chasm at the bottom of the sea.

Batman Returns is in the intermediate class at the pool. A good story with some interesting characters but doesn’t stand up to the new Bat stories.


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3 Comments on “Catwoman – Scratch that. Batman Returns”

  1. Sam Says:

    pretty accurate I’d say ry. Can it be destroyed along with the copies of Batman&Robin, that film should be wiped from exsistance! bring on the 3rd new batman with a bit more Bale and a bit of Megan Fox as catwoman!!

    • AntBuoy Says:

      We should start a petition to have entry copy of Batman & Robin rounded up burnt. I don’t hate them so much now that Nolan is undoing the havoc they caused.

      Not sure if I like the idea of the Fox as Catwoman. I’d like to see Rachel Weisz in the role. There have been some rumours about it. The worst case scenario would be Angelia Jolie taking the role, that chick scares me.

  2. Rachel Weisz should have been always the leading lady of the Mummy movies because she really fits that role _

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